WASHINGTON, DC — According to a study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services, drug use is on the decline among uncool kids in the U.S.
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Among the uncool kids polled for the federal study were high-school yearbook editors, people unable to do chin-ups for the President’s Council On Physical Fitness test, Forensics Club secretary-treasurers, and newspaper carriers saving their money to buy a Capsela set.
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“I’m allergic to milk, cats and pollen,” said Ted Boyce, 16, of Petaluma, CA, “and I am afraid that if I smoke marijuana, Dr. DeSmet will give me more shots, which I don’t want because they hurt, and they cause small red welts on my skin. Also, smoke irritates my eyes really bad.”
[The Onion]
