the dope report

Dante’s Inferno illuminates a very manly, muscular Hell

New surveys of youth religiosity indicate atheism and religious relativism are on the rise, but notions of the afterlife, heaven and hell persist stubbornly.

Even after we’ve long abandoned God or the notion of the ‘one true path’ to him, we’re all very content to believe in a magical land where the pricks get pricked and Mormons are locked up behind pearly gates for eternity.

Which is to say, Hell remains other people’s idiotic superstitions, and Dante’s Inferno – the new video game from Visceral – is more of an allegory about modern life than the life after this one.

Visceral Games nailed Dante’s Inferno. They made a ballsy, blockbuster hack and slash adaptation of a hugely influential 16th century Italian poem. It’s possibly one of the most brutal, most heavy metal ideas ever committed to a video game, and the studio takes serious risks staying faithful to the text. It reminds me of a story about Christian missionaries introducing indigenous South Americans to the concept of God, Heaven and Hell. One native warrior said, “If what you say is true, I want to go to Hell. That’s sounds like a more manly place.”

Indeed, Visceral populates their netherworld with a wide variety of gaming no-nos, including a fair amount of uncovered bathing suit parts and dangly bits, not to mention the copious upside-down, burning crucifixes. This has to be first game where high-heeled succubi whip 12-foot long clitori that strangle you. Even the Devil himself sports an estimated three-foot long member, which heretically flaps to and fro in the final showdown with the Dark Lord. Visceral did not pull any punches, and lovers of the original Inferno’s gory bits will not be disappointed.

The medieval Inferno was so influential, it defines Western civilization’s conception of Hell unto this day. And in terms of authenticity, Visceral expertly hones in on the key features of our collective persecution.

• The boat across the river Styx groans with terrified travelers like Kevin Smith flying Southwest.
• Hell spigots spew tormented bodies, fresh from the latest Afghanistan offensive no doubt.
• Lust brims with souls tossed to and fro, wind-whipped for their passions, (hey, there’s Tiger Woods!) presided over by Queen Cleopatra, who squirts unbaptized babies from her black mouth-nipples.
• The greedy writhe in molten gold, consumed like Madoff.
• The gluttons boil in rivers of shit, devoured by eyeless, toothy worms.
• The violent boil in angry blood, forever violated, and the heretics burn in sacrilegious tombs.

Every soul is in their right place, down to the Big Man himself, encased from the waist down in the icy center.

When you see the attention to detail paid to Hell, it’s easy to overlook the game’s trite critics, and it should be noted that critics rank near the bottom of Hell, with all the other flatterers, panderers and trash-mouths.

Adaptation: Some people question Visceral for changing Dante from a preening Italian poet that wanders through Hell like Jared Leto at Hot Topic. Boring. Visceral changed Dante as a crazed Crusader with a lot of blood on his hands, which makes total sense for the medium. Dante needed some umph to be in a video game, and it’s very enjoyable to watch this over-brutalized Dante work through his Intermittent Explosive Disorder. It becomes very apparent he belongs in the pyres, alongside users of 4Chan.

Copying: The biggest complainers call Dante’s Inferno a God of War rip-off, a stupid observation given that God of War ripped off Clash of the Titans, the totality of Greek mythology, and dozens of hack and slash games to come before it. The entire medium constantly rips off the culture. New mediums always quote those before it. Even the original Inferno is in large part fan fiction that bites heavily from the Bible and Classical literature. Welcome to Modernity. Get over it.

Smallness: Dante’s Inferno goes by too quick, if you are playing the game on its ridiculous “easy” mode. Play the game on the “Hard” difficulty, called “Hellish” and it can take weeks to traverse. Each segment of every level becomes a challenge room that will pulverize your self-esteem. Lucifer alone took two days to beat, and only after we gave up and ratcheted the hardness down to “easy” to best him. Playing the game on “Hellish” was a frustrating and rewarding purgatory, exploring Dante’s moves, power-ups and combos, then exploiting them to their fullest. The game can easily kill you with cheap shots, and eventually, you learn to cheap shot Hell back.

In closing, where are the religious nuts from whom EA feared protests? We were promised religious nuts! Where is the condemnation for such a brutal game from the culture at large? It literally is one of the most overtly violent, graphic games ever made, yet America digested the premise at Super Bowl half-time with nary a burp.

My theory is: for all the game’s heresy it’s actually ultra-conservative.

Despite all the blasphemy, nudity, and torture: Dante’s Inferno fundamentally embraces the early Christian concept of a God, a Hell, and a one-way ticket for nonbelievers. That’s something we need to hear. Hell gives us payback. Without it, there’s no justice. Cheaters prosper. The good die young.

Without Hell down there for eternity, it’s Hell up here, day by day, unfurling like a never-ending season of Jersey Shore, until the last meathead draws his last mouth-breath, and the Earth finally spins silent in the vast deadness of space.