the dope report

The FDA is warning smokers that anti-smoking pills Chantix and Zyban can make you want to freakin’ kill yourself and they have no idea why.

F.D.A. safety officials have now received 98 reports of completed suicides and 188 reports of attempted suicides among those taking Chantix. ... Zyban has similar associated risks. The agency received 14 reports of suicides and 17 reports of attempted suicides among those taking Zyban.

Now, smoking kills tens of thousands of Americans a year and a handful of suicides is obviously worth the public good of anti-smoking drugs. But just look at the weirdo symptoms: it’s like something out of an M. Night Shyamalan flick.

“European officials first alerted the F.D.A. in 2007 to problems associated with Chantix. In September of that year, Carter Albrecht, a keyboard player from the pop-music group Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians, was killed by a neighbor who complained that Mr. Albrecht was banging on his door, ranting. Mr. Albrecht’s girlfriend blamed Chantix, which she said had made him hostile.”

There are likely dozens more whacko deaths related to the mysterious properties of brain-altering anti-depressants. We are just beginning to find out.

[New York Times]

Many may not think about it, but somewhere, right now, a person is tunneling toward Los Estados Unidos. Drug tunnels to the United States are regular fodder for border newspapers when they’re found, and today ScienceDaily details a tunnel’s newest enemy from the Department of Homeland Security.

“The new design technology is to place the radar antennas in a trailer that will be towed by a Border Patrol truck. The antennas shoot a signal directly into the ground and use it to construct a multi-colored picture of the earth. Tunnels show up as red, yellow, and aquamarine dots against a blue background. Border patrols agents would see these images on a monitor mounted inside their truck.”

That’s right, trailer-based ground radar.

Dammmm. A California King of cash. You go, Zhenli.

TDR’s man of the hour award goes to Chinese-born Mexican pharmaceuticals magnate Zhenli Ye Gon. Mexican authorities said they found $206 million at the mogul’s Mexico City residence in March 2007, allegedly his profits from illicit activities like the trafficking in meth precursor.

Los Gringos nabbed him, but last week U.S. Justice Department lawyers asked a federal judge to let Gon go, citing “evidentiary concerns” like key witnesses withdrawing statements or being unwilling to provide testimony. Well played, Gon.

What does Zhenli have to say about his rather large home emergency cushion?

MJ is up in heaven now. No doubt playing a backgammon tournament with Heath Ledger and Farrah Fawcett, trading pill stories and doubling like mad. I don’t know for sure that pills killed Mike, but I feel like it’s a cultural given. More than 8,000 people will die this year from pills. Pills laid low Elvis, and delayed Eminem’s last album four years. When you’re rich and cut off from all contact with the outside world, the doctor is still allowed by your bed. He’ll give you whatever you want.

The toxicology reports on MJ will take weeks, and it’s not even clear whether it’s moral to dig into them. But it goes without saying that if you are rich and in trouble in America, it’s probably LEGAL pills that you’re chomping.

Today’s top news story emanates from the 320-page, UN World Drug Report 2009. It’s pretty dense, boring, run of the mill stuff, but one graphic caught my eye. The UN is overpaying for cocaine.

Who at the UN Office of Drugs and Crime is paying $120 a gram for yayo? Is that a government salary thing? TDR wouldn’t blow more than, like $45 a gram. Admittedly, it’s stepped-on Craigslist baby laxative, but you have to have some scruples.

Does San Francisco just pay wholesale prices? Please raise your hand if you paid $120 for a gram in 2008.

When a school vice principle asks you to strip, the answer is always, “I want a lawyer.”

It’s a shame the Supreme Court ruled today that Savana Redding can’t sue the living shit out of her school district for a strip search when she was thirteen years old. But leave it to some brain-damaged Arizona school official (high on meth, no doubt) to strip her in the first place for two Advil.

Luv it how schools are America’s test lab for the police state. Nice to see the Supreme Court push back 7 to 1 against stripping 13 year-old girlz. Dissenting Justice Clarence Thomas, of course, remains a pervy dick.

From ABC:

The Supreme Court ruled today that school officials’ strip search of a then-13-year-old Arizona teen suspected of possessing a painkiller violated the girl’s constitutional rights, despite the school district’s zero-tolerance policy for drugs. ... Justice Clarence Thomas filed a dissent, arguing the search did not violate the Fourth Amendment.

“They asked me to take off my clothes, and I did while they stood there,” Savana said. “When I was finally in my underwear, I thought, ‘OK, they are going to let me put my clothes back on.’”

“They just looked at me and said, ‘well, now you have to pull out your bra and shake it and your underwear as well,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “I really wanted to cry.” ... Officials never called Savana’s mother.

Keep it classy, Arizona.

[ABC]

Guys, gals. Stop selling drugs via Craigslist. From the AP today:

Police said undercover detectives responded to the advertisement and bought a small bag of pot from 30-year-old Christopher Gray for $45. ... Gray posted the advertisement on the online classified site with the words “420 help is here.” The item read “Give me a ring if you need some help,” and listed a phone number, which a detective called Friday and arranged for a meeting with Gray in Quincy.

Thirty years old and dude’s slanging eight-sacks? Enter this man in the ‘Saddest Sack of Shit’ Olympics.

[Patriot Ledger]

As this ridiculous war on drugs continues, feds and bureaucrats are getting mad paid while the economy gets sucked into the 12th dimension of Hell. Meanwhile, all these tasty drugs flow in unregulated without a tariff in sight.

Lest we forget that America is the triple O.G. dope dealer of all time? Aside from the fact that pusher-men like Pfizer and Ortho are currently thriving, we used to slang packs and advertise the shit out of it on the daily. Check out this vintage ad gallery courtesy of Pill Talk, and go way back when we made a reputable dime off cocaine cola and heroin cough drops. And Quaaludes.

All this gallery does is illustrate the fact that we need to get back into the dope game instead of battling it. A war on drugs is just a war on our nation’s collective paper stack.

[Pill Talk]