the dope report

They may be dirtbags when it comes to international labor laws, but damned if Nike can’t put together a great commercial. This current ad celebrates Kobe Bryant’s fifth run at an NBA title with a montage of career highlights set to Andre 3000’s cover of the Beatles’ “All Together Now.” The ATLien takes one of the Beatles’ trippiest songs from Yellow Submarine and adds a little taste of funk to it. Add that to a Kobe highlight reel that succinctly captures a legendary 14 year career spanning three NBA eras in just one minute.

TDR supports Kobe, cognac drinker Ron Artest, cannabis enthusiast Lamar Odom and the rest of the Los Angeles Lakers in this year’s finals against the detested Boston Celtics. [Nike Basketball]

NASCAR has denied Cannabis Planet TV’s bid to roll out a green bedecked cannacar in NASCAR races. Here’s what it would have looked like.

We, for one, are glad to see NASCAR protecting the values it has upheld for decades. Namely: boozing, fighting, bigotry, and the occasional frog hunt.

Shake and bake!

Apparently the movie Role Models was both hilarious as well as highly influential on Tiger Woods’ use of sedatives during sex. “You fight the urge to sleep and things get all trippy and then you fuck.”

“Rachel Uchitel reportedly told one friend she liked to have sex with Tiger while on the drug Ambien. Saying, ‘You know you have crazier sex on Ambien – you get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex.’”

[DoseNation]

Ron Artest’s wildly controversial career has been through arena-clearing brawls, a second job at Circuit City, domestic abuse, and getting his dog taken away by Animal Services. With all that madness going on, who couldn’t use a drink?

“I used to drink Hennessy … at halftime,” Artest said in an interview with the Sporting News, which is publishing the story in its Dec. 7 issue. “I [kept it] in my locker. I’d just walk to the liquor store and get it.”

“When I was a 19-year-old father, whew. I was a single pimp! I was wild,” he told the magazine. “A lot of marijuana and alcohol—even before [that age]. ... I [still] party and I have fun, but not like I used to. I used to drink every night and party every night.”

[ESPN]

No Mas finally answers the question: who would win in a fight between the Greatest of All Time and the Godfather of Soul? Realizing the relevance of professional sports in culture, No Mas is best known for its apparel catering to the most hardcore superfans. Now they’re delving into producing hilarious animated shorts such as this, as well as Dock Ellis’ LSD no-hitter we posted earlier this week. Check out No Mas on YouTube for more.

[No Mas]

[YouTube]

Long-time readers of TDR know the story of major league pitcher Dock Ellis, famous for the no-hitter he threw on acid and speed in the ‘70s.

Here, animator James Blagden brings the story to life hilariously, produced by American Public Media’s Nielle Alel & Donell Alexander, featuring classic track “Do the Push and Pull” parts 1 and 2 by Rufus Thomas from Stax Records 1970.

Ellis died at age 63 in 2008. We miss you, Dock.

[NoMasTV via Dosenation]

All-star phenom Tim Lincecum faces misdemeanor marijuana charges after a traffic stop in Washington state. The 2008 Cy Young Award winner was pulled over for speeding, but ended up handing over a pipe and 3.3 grams of sticky-icky.

An officer approached Lincecum’s 2006 Mercedes and smelled marijuana as the pitcher rolled down his window. Schatzel said Lincecum immediately complied with a request to hand over the drug and a marijuana pipe from the car’s center console.

First it was record-breaking gold medalist Michael Phelps, and now it’s the insanely talented pitcher Tim Lincecum. Kids, don’t forget to eat your Weedies.

[ESPN]

France’s anti-doping agency has found Lance Armstrong’s recent shower to be in violation of testing rules and is threatening to punish the former dude who used to bang Cheryl Crow and Tour de France champion.

Training for his upcoming return to the annual cycling tournament since retiring in 2005, Armstrong was visited by a tester from the authority known as the AFLD. Armstrong says that the tester agreed to let him take a 20-minute shower while Armstrong’s assistants checked the agent’s credentials.

What’s wrong with a little shower? It wasn’t like it was a golden shower. And 20 minutes is a fair amount of time by the standards of today’s water conservation efforts.

Apparently the problem is that 20 minutes is more than enough time to pull a little chicanery by, say, loading up a handy contraption known as the Whizzinator with clean piss. Former Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was on some serious McGuyver shit when he was caught in 2005 using this prosthetic penis complete with a chamber for drug-free urine and heating pads. The report from ESPN says that athletes have also even injected clean urine into their own bladders with catheters. Personally I’ll go with the pee dildo.

The AFLD have yet to decide whether they’ll take action against Armstrong or not, although Armstrong has never failed a drug test before. Can a guy who went through surgery for both testicular cancer and a brain tumor only to go on to break major cycling records get a break? Quit busting dude’s balls…I mean, ball. [ESPN]