French Drug Authorities Find Lance Armstrong's Shower to be Offensive
France’s anti-doping agency has found Lance Armstrong’s recent shower to be in violation of testing rules and is threatening to punish the former dude who used to bang Cheryl Crow and Tour de France champion.
Training for his upcoming return to the annual cycling tournament since retiring in 2005, Armstrong was visited by a tester from the authority known as the AFLD. Armstrong says that the tester agreed to let him take a 20-minute shower while Armstrong’s assistants checked the agent’s credentials.
What’s wrong with a little shower? It wasn’t like it was a golden shower. And 20 minutes is a fair amount of time by the standards of today’s water conservation efforts.
Apparently the problem is that 20 minutes is more than enough time to pull a little chicanery by, say, loading up a handy contraption known as the Whizzinator with clean piss. Former Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was on some serious McGuyver shit when he was caught in 2005 using this prosthetic penis complete with a chamber for drug-free urine and heating pads. The report from ESPN says that athletes have also even injected clean urine into their own bladders with catheters. Personally I’ll go with the pee dildo.
The AFLD have yet to decide whether they’ll take action against Armstrong or not, although Armstrong has never failed a drug test before. Can a guy who went through surgery for both testicular cancer and a brain tumor only to go on to break major cycling records get a break? Quit busting dude’s balls…I mean, ball. [ESPN]
